youre lurking in front of me
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
