guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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