saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
