If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
