I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
