I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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