I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
this just has baby written all over it
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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