I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
