even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
