fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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