Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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