dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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