Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
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Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
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I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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