I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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