I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Randomize
