i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
