Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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