Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
