saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
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