I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
