areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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