I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
