I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
