Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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