I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
