good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just want to make out with him forever
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
