I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
