You're my little dorito
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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