I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
