I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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