I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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