I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
