currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I want her autograph on my taint
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
