you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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