Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
