shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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