george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
