So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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