I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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