found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
worst night to have a conscience
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
