i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
