I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
