how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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