I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
