We're like a lot better than the average bears
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
