i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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