Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
