You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
