I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
