the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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