I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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