Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
