Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
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Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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