I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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