make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
